A Reflection on Things New*

What a difference a year makes, eh? It is less than twelve months ago that I was in the humble classrooms of Flagler College, scared witless, stiffened by times icy touch and the immanent boot-to-the-streets-of-the-real-world that was approaching with exponential speed and importance. There I sat day by day in lectures and discussions, unable to concentrate on my studies, my loved one's, my life, because I looked too much to the future with those big dreams of mine - study in Europe, speak another language, travel the world and become great like the great who came before - that I began to live in the future with those things and was fighting a Gollum-scale battle of inferiority with myself. Ya, you know the one. The kind that drives you a just a bit mad, that shows you indeed how human you are. 'You won't cut it in Europe, look at you, an ignorant American child trapped in the body of a 22 year old man. You can't even make a decent score on the GRE. You might as well throw in the towel. Why don't you go work at Waffle House where you shall be useful?'

Well, I won't lie to you, it got worse. I was told this penetrating news one day: it wasn't possible to ship me off to Europe to study because of finances. Not only this, but also thoughts filled my head comparing life as a student in the States with that in the European system. (Of course I was kidding myself into accepting less than my dream) ‘For the prices of time and money that I would spend to study in Europe, I could get a quicker and less pricy education in the US.’ I began to lean away from going to Europe at all costs, ‘maybe I should take this easier route that is becoming simpler and more appealing as each moment passes. Any amount that I would have to sacrifice to go to Europe and spend more time on my studies seemed negligent and wasteful in light of my other lucrative options. (Not true) Besides, who needs Europe? I don’t. (I did, so bad, with a desire as intense as the smell of every scent in every train station in Europe) They can take their haughty, enlightened attitude and go where they belong. (I love that about them). I’ll just go over for the summer sometime or something. (I already did that, I got a taste and I wanted so much more).

Shortly after that, as if this wasn't enough, the main school to which I applied in the states, the place where I was a sure 'full-ride scholarship candidate,' didn’t even accept my application. DENIED. Do not pass ‘go,’ do not collect $200. And even if you do happen to wander by this ‘go,’ be sure to grab a complimentary tissue from the counter, wipe that pathetic tear...then be off with you. What a smack in the face. What shame. Am I going to fulfill that solitary dream in which my head has rested for years now? It would seem not. Waffle House, here I come… 'How would you like your hashbrowns sir?' Covered with disappointment, or smothered by the shards of my dreams? What a life. Guess I’ll spend it whiling the time away. That juke-box just there in the corner is kind of neat I suppose. Enough already. That life isn’t for me. You get it.

But, I’m here to tell you that things changed for the better very shortly. Light peeked it’s warming face through the overcast as the possibilities, a ray of hope, began to pour in. Something very unexpected happened. Through some connections that I had with the diocese of St. Augustine, I soon arranged a meeting with the Bishop, in which we spoke of many things. One of which was that he had a sum of money that had interestingly been just fermenting since he came to his position a few years back. He said, if I was serious about wanting this education thing to happen at the Greg that he, a Gregorian alumnus, would support me with a helpful sum each year for as long as he could. Soon after this, I began to become so hopeful for my path ahead. After that day, additional support for me came so quick that I still can hardly keep up with it all, from my parents most of all, but Greg helped, we had another benefactor give a bursa di studi or scholarship to the Greg for US native (that fits me) lay (also me) students (me too) who needed loans to come study, (which I also did). In the end, nearly my whole first year in Rome is paid for in full. All I can say here to describe my feelings has already been expressed in the words quoted by the eminent philosopher Walter Sobchak from must-see film The Big Lebowski, ‘If you will it, it is no dream dude.’ Ya, well. It helps to have a bit of support too. Thanks to all who make these days in Rome possible. You literally are the ground on which I stand, it is your help and care, not any merit of my own, that proves invaluable to the development and fruition of my life. I stand edified and full of gratitude.