Why We do It Better (Rerun: 07 Jan. 06)

It's time for all good little boys and girls to be grateful and reflect on the next few weeks of holiday fun and cheer. Here it is... my top 5 reasons to celebrate Christmas in the States (or the 'U.S.' for those opposed to 'the States.' You know who you are.):

#5... Better Christmas carols, we've got enough holly, jolly tunes to keep the whole family singing from noon until night fall. Hey, who took frosty's nose???

#4... Let's face it, where else is it legal, let alone cute and adorable, to actually steal Christmas? Wow, those children's authors just get better and better each and every year, eh? You know it's times like these when I'm glad that they're required to have doctorates to publish. And those rhymes. 'Who-hash!' haha, get's me every time... 'Who-hash.'

#3... A kinder, gentler Santa: in the rustic Latin-American rendition of the story, ol' Saint Nick has a helper who eats naughty children. Yikes, flesh-hungry elves make a stocking full of coal look like a family bar-b-que at grandma's.

#2... Real Christmas trees, none of this putting up the same thing every year dribble. My family and myself visited Rockafeller Center in NYC where they had a sizable live tree from the raging forests of Oregon. A true wilderness adventurer chopped that tree down. Paul Bunyan methinks, whose sturdy ox, oh I don't know, let's call him "abe," braved the harsh terrain carrying said evergreen hundreds of miles through the snow, and what did I see when fixing mine eyes upon the festivities of St. Peter's, the greatest of all shrines built in our Lord's name?...arbor fabricated by human hands... Ya, plastic! These silly European Catholics have no clue...

.... AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO SPEND CHRISTMAS IN THE STATES IS ....

#1... Duh, cooler presents. Can anyone say iPod and endless accessories? Hello?? After all, what would I do without my music-pumping, picture-porting, video-viewing, bread-toasting, custom circumcision-performing, gator-training, justice-serving, dash-administering device swinging anew from in and around my hip? All-in-one might I add. I don't know about you, but, uh, I am that vain.